


I believed that love was burning red (but it’s golden like daylight)

by Spencer_Grey



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Study, God is a dick, Jack Kline Needs A Hug, Kinda, Season/Series 13, Season/Series 14, Supernatural is ending and I’m sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-08 19:40:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20840936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spencer_Grey/pseuds/Spencer_Grey
Summary: Jack wants to be good, it’s all he tries to do.(Memorable moments of season 13-14 through Jack’s eyes. Cause he might not have them anymore.)





	I believed that love was burning red (but it’s golden like daylight)

Jack doesn’t understand what’s happening - a feeling that will grow familiar - but he doesn’t feel safe. It’s dark and cold, so he hides. He slips in a pocket of darkness - a room he will later be told was his nursery -, he curls into a ball and waits. For what, he isn’t sure, but he waits. 

There is only one thought going through his mind:  _ where is my father?  _ His father, he knows, is safe, a warm feeling passes through Jack when he thinks of him. Though, there’s a blackness in his memory when he does, everything’s blurry and he can’t make sense of it all, but his father’s there. 

Jack doesn’t know where he is, doesn’t know what’s happening, or what that noise is, but it’s loud and it’s growing closer. It’s footsteps, he thinks, and he is scared - he wants his father and his mom. The noise is  _ so loud _ . 

And there, from his corner of shadow, he sees two men appear in the doorway. He regards them for a heartbeat - he can hear theirs, he realises, and they’re so  _ loud _ \- and feels a sense of familiarity. 

He’s met them before, sometime before Jack came into this strange world. 

Jack stands in his corner, pressing forward so they can see a sliver of his face. “Father,” he says, a statement, a question. 

One man steps forward, long hair and warm eyes. Jack deems him safe, inviting and comforting, and Jack wants to be near him. This man is not his father, Jack understands this quickly, but Jack feels secure looking at him. 

The other man regards Jack with wariness, hesitation barely covering a seething anger. Jack wants him to leave, wants him  _ gone _ because there’s something wrong - something in Jack telling him he isn’t safe. 

The other man raises something silver - a gun, a voice provides - and it releases a sharp  _ bang _ . It hurts Jack’s ears, and he knows it was meant to do more. The man meant to hurt Jack, to kill him -  _ fight back _ . 

It instincts that save Jack, sharp golden heat passes through him, and ripples towards the men. A scream escapes his lips and it tears the back of his throat. Already so much pain. 

The men are frozen in his gold, and Jack is gone. 

His bare feet touch soft grass for the first time, the most magnificent green he’ll ever see. Jack stands still for a moment, the new feeling was strange but a good strange. Jack smiles, a warm - gentle warm - growing in his chest. 

Everything is so strange, but Jack likes it. He likes the way the moon is reflected on the water, a shimmering light in the darkness. As he walks, there’s a gentle breeze that sends chills over his skin. 

Jacks finds that while grass is nice, dirt and mud stick to him, leaving him tense and uncomfortable. A branch scraps over his bicep, this pain is weird, stinging more than the golden heat that heals it. 

Jack is completely lost, tempted to turn around for the only place he knows, but that voice comes back - tells him to keep going. Those men would be waiting for him, and he knows that the other man won’t miss again. 

He longs to have someone with him, the night is suffocating and his chest tightens at every noise in the distance. 

If he had his father or his mom with him, maybe he wouldn’t be so scared. They could lead him to safety, but all he has is that instinctual voice. He trusts it, knowing it’s something more than himself, so he keeps moving. 

-

Everything happens so fast that Jack can’t keep up, but the men, Sam and Dean, find him. He finds people that don’t try to hurt him immediately, but one of them gets hurt and it’s Jack fault. The angels try to take him, but Sam and Dean take him instead. 

They explain what happened to his parents, to Castiel and Kelly, and their mom. 

Jack stands in front of the pyre, his mom on top. Sam tells him to say goodbye, but how can he? He barely knew them, and he doesn’t want to say goodbye - he wants his parents back. He wants Castiel’s protection, and his mom to hold him. 

The fire that burns his mom’s body is too hot, nothing comes from it like his golden heat. Sam and Dean stare blankly into the flames, and Jack knows these are not the first people they’ve lost. But they’re Jack’s, and he doesn’t know how to handle this emptiness in his chest. 

It’s wrong that this version of Jack never got to meet his parents. 

Sam and Dean knew them both, they were friends with Castiel. And the voice in Jack has calmed, it recognises that they will protect him, if only for their dead friend. 

They blame Jack, he can tell. It is his fault. 

-

Jack sits in the back of their car and the seat makes his skin crawl. He asks what it’s called, and gets  _ leather _ from Sam. He wants to say that he hates it, but Dean glares at him through the mirror so Jack stays quiet, keeping his bare skin from touching it. 

His mom told him that he needs to grow up quickly, the world is dangerous and he must be ready for it; only, Jack doesn’t feel ready. He feels scared and young, he needs his parents to help him, guide him. Everything’s so confusing and he’s too afraid to ask Sam and Dean all the questions on his mind. 

He wishes Castiel was here to help him, Castiel would understand. He wishes he could just pause everything until he could figure it all out. He wishes a lot of things, but staring at the back of Sam’s and Dean’s head, Jack knows he won’t get them. 

Knowing that his questions will only be met with angry glares from Dean and pity from Sam - Jack quickly learns that he hates pity - Jack leans his head against the window. It’s uncomfortable and makes his head feel fuzzy, like he’s shaking. Still, his eyes slip closed and he falls asleep. 

-

Dean doesn’t like Jack, that much is obvious. Afterall, Jack got three people killed and one person stabbed within hours of being alive. Jack understands that much, so he tries to change. Be less like himself, and more like Dean. 

He watches Dean and copies his movements. Jack thinks it’s a good idea. 

Dean doesn’t, it only makes him resent Jack more. Jack can feel it, though he tries to pretend as if he doesn’t. 

He hears Sam and Dean arguing over him, Dean’s angry and it scares Jack. Jack isn’t worth all this, all he’s done is create problems - and hurt people, he’s already hurt so many people. He doesn’t want to be there anymore, doesn’t want to hurt anyone, and like that, Jack is gone. 

Lost, again. But this is better, it’s quiet, he’s away from Dean, away from anyone so he can’t hurt them. 

His mom told him to grow up quickly, but he wants her here now to tell him he can be young again. There’s too much pressure, he’s supposed to be capable, to protect himself from the dangerous world; but he can’t. 

Jack curls up into a ball, holding himself like his mom would. 

Sam finds him soon enough, and Jack wonders if Dean even bothered looking or if he just let his brother do all the work. Sam’s worried, and it’s all Jack’s fault - everything is. 

_ Maybe I’m not worth all this _ . Jack hasn’t done anything to deserve this, to deserve Sam’s protection and concern. 

_ Your mom thought you were. So did Cas. So do I.  _ Sam talks softly, not like he expects Jack to be grown and know everything. He treats Jack like he’s young, fresh in this world and thrown into a confusing life. 

Jack trusts Sam. 

-

The knife goes into Jack’s skin, tearing through his shirt. It hurts, but only for a moment, like the stinging branch. There is blood on his shirt, small drops manage to break through before the wound is healed. 

Jack stands there, stabbing, and stabbing, and stabbing himself but he never dies, never bleeds. 

Dean finds him, confused and yet, he barely does anything to help. 

_ What the hell am I? _ Jack can’t control what’s inside him, the golden fire spreads on its own will.  _ I will hurt someone _ . All Jack does is cause pain but he can’t feel it himself. Cruel, the world is cruel. 

_ If it comes to killing you, I will be the one to do it _ . Dean leaves with that, pure, unbridled hatred in his eyes. Sam tried telling Jack that Dean doesn’t hate him, but Sam’s wrong. Dean feels nothing towards Jack, only that boiling anger, it burns Jack more than anyone else. 

The bunker feels heavier now, the air suffocating like the night and Jack wonders if he should leave. He knows he’s only here because of Sam, because Sam thinks he can help Jack. But if he messes up, if he slips and hurts Sam like he hurts everyone, then Jack is dead sooner than he could run. 

Maybe he should save Dean the trouble. 

If only he could figure out how to die. 

-

Sam and Dean return to the bunker, with Castiel in tow. 

Jack’s heart skips a beat. He stares as Cas, numb as too many emotions try to take hold. There had always been a hole in Jack’s chest, like he was missing a part of his soul - something he’d never gain - but here that piece was, alive. 

_ Did you bring Cas back? _ Jack doesn’t know. If there are limitations to his powers, he hadn’t found them yet, and maybe he did. He begged the universe, even his grandfather to bring Castiel back, but his golden heat never moved, never even burned. 

But Cas is back, he’s alive, and Jack feels whole again. His father - not Lucifer - holds him, arms wrapped tightly around him like they’d be torn apart again. For the first time since his birth, Jack feels completely safe, the world is less confusing with Castiel. 

Maybe Jack would get through all this afterall. 

-

Jack understands even less of this world, but Mary’s by his side and she has the gentle touch of Sam, and the strong, protective nature of Dean. She isn’t dead, one more death that is lifted from Jack’s shoulders. 

(Maybe Dean will hate him less with Cas and his mom back.)

Mary doesn’t abandon him, even when it would keep herself safe, and they keep each other alive. 

Dean and Castiel come into this strange world, too. Sam doesn’t make it to them. 

Jack has another father’s death thrust upon him, this one is too heavy, too ugly as grief latches its sharp claws into Jack’s heart. He knew Sam, longer than he’d known Cas. Sam protected Jack, loved Jack, and had time to show it. Sam was gentle and safe and warm, he  _ tried _ with Jack. 

And just like that, Sam is alive - Jack’s getting whiplash with all this resurrection - and behind him stands Lucifer. 

Jack had seen images of satan online; a red, horned creature with a pitchfork is the general idea he had, though Sam had corrected him. Still, this isn’t what Jack imagined. Lucifer is normal, the only different thing about him is the arrogant aura he carries - but Dean has that too, not that Jack would ever say that out loud. 

Jack doesn’t understand why everyone hates Lucifer so much. Sure, Jack had heard the stories, but he brought Sam back to life, and he just wanted to meet his son. Jack has all three dads in one place. Shouldn’t they be happy? 

He learns quick enough that Lucifer is exactly who everyone said he was. It hurts more than it should. Other than Cas, Lucifer was his last connection to his mother but his true nature is revealed and Jack cuts that tether. 

Now, he doesn’t blame Dean for being so cautious of Jack - recognising some part of him with always be reminiscent of Lucifer. 

-

With his grace gone, Jack bitterly embraces his human side wholly. He misses his golden heat, his back feels cold without his wings, and there’s a new empty feeling in his chest. It’s not like when Cas or Sam were dead for those brief times, this is heavy. Every beat of his heart rattles his bones, and he’s too fragile. 

Jack gets a papercut and cries. It stings, and he can’t heal it, the small wound stays for a week before leaving completely. It’s a cruel reminder of his humanity. Jack gets tired quicker, feels hunger more than usual, and his limbs suddenly feel too long, too clumsy. 

He wants his grace back more than anything. 

The only good thing to come from this all, is that Dean has started to warm up to Jack. Mary and Cas are alive, and they don’t have to worry about Jack losing control anymore - at least now he can’t hurt anyone. 

Dean regards Jack with more exasperation than hatred, sometimes there’s a glint of amusement when Jack talks. Maybe Lucifer wasn’t his third dad after all. 

Jack’s so caught up with everything that he doesn’t mention it when he starts coughing up blood. Life’s been… nice, less chaotic than normal, and he doesn’t want to be the one to ruin it. He can’t hurt anyone again. 

He’s sitting with Dean in the kitchen, they’re both content - happy even - and Jack is grateful that he can finally spend time with Dean without fear. 

Jack feels a cough coming, it’s not bad and he could’ve covered it with being human; but then more coughs come, and Jack can’t breath through them all. They tear through his body, he’s gasping for air, and the blood tastes metallic on his tongue. 

He hears Dean, but it’s all underwater, muffled as the room spins. 

He’s out before he hits the ground. 

-

Jack dies and he doesn’t feel scared.

-

There’s a soft pressure in his chest as he sees her, and he can’t tell if it’s his heart breaking or being mended. His mom’s eyes meet his, they’re warm and kind, beautiful - she’s beautiful. Jack never realised how much he misses her. 

His mom embraces him, and Jack melts. He’s home in her arms, he’s exactly where he belongs, where he should’ve always been. 

Jack forgets about Heaven and the dark creature following him, all he can think about is her. His mom’s hands are soft as they frame his face, she holds him lightly, as if she might break him - break this vision. 

There’s tears in her eyes, though her smile - brilliant and bright - is what captivates him. He sees so much of himself in her, like missing pieces of a puzzle coming together. He wants to stay there forever, in her arms, in the garden, in Heaven. 

But they have to move, the dark creature is coming, and he has to keep her safe from it - protect her like she protected him. She laid down her life so that he may exist, and no one touches his mom. 

-

Jack is angry - he has suffered enough, his family has suffered enough - he wants all this to be over, he wants to rest. 

_ I am not a child _ . Michael has taken Rowena, and Jack won’t let another family member fall victim to the archangel. 

_ I’m the son of Lucifer _ . He doesn’t think of his soul, of himself. He only sees his family in danger and he has to help them. 

_ I’m a hunter _ . Jack is so much more than what everyone thinks of him, he is powerful and brave and good - Jack is  _ good _ . 

_ I am a Winchester _ . And just in Winchester fashion, Jack sacrifices every fibre of himself for those he loves. He is not what is important now, only what he can do, who he can save. 

And he saves them. Michael dies, and his grace slips into Jack’s mouth. His golden fire returns, his wings arch out, strong and tall, and Jack is himself again. 

His family watches on, breathless in shock. Jack forgets about his soul, the damage he’d done to it, because soulless or not, he loves his family and nothing comes before them. Not even himself. 

-

Jack is used to fear, he’s been afraid of many things since he was born, but he doesn’t feel afraid - though a distant part of him says he should be. Maybe it’s his missing soul, but he follows Sam and Dean, trusting them completely, as they lead him to the Ma’lak Box. 

_ For his family _ , Jack thinks,  _ do it for them _ . 

Jack knows they wouldn’t hurt them, not after everything they’ve been through, even after Mary, Jack still trusts them to keep him safe. It’s Sam that fully convinces him, Jack would follow Sam to the end of the world - from day one, Sam had been there to protect him. 

Sam looks at him, encouraging and Jack would be crazy to not listen to him. So he climbs into the box, it’s dark and cold - like the house he’d been born in but if the light reached him then, it’ll reach him now. It’s hard as he lays down, uncomfortable and he thinks if he could’ve asked for a pillow but he hears the box get locked. 

Lucifer is still next to him. Jack knows he’s not real, a hallucination, but he’s annoying nonetheless. He hopes that when his soul comes back, Lucifer will leave. 

_ You’re no longer useful to them _ . Jack doesn’t want to listen to him but it’s hard not to, there’s nothing else. There’s silence from outside the box. 

_ You killed their mother.  _ Jack thought they understood, it was an accident, he hadn’t meant to. They knew that. They had to. 

Lucifer was lying, trying to trick Jack but as best he tried, he couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t already thought about Sam and Dean lying to him. 

The box seems to be getting tighter, the walls collapsing on him and finally, there’s that fear he was missing. It comes so quickly, crushing him, suffocating him. Jack can’t breath, can't think. 

_ I don’t think I like this anymore. _ There’s no answer. 

They left him, locked him up and abandoned him. Sam and Dean lied, they want to get rid of him, keep him hidden away for eternity. 

Jack bangs on the box, his golden heat barely shaking it. Lucifer laughs at him, and that fear is twisted into anger. It’s hot and it bubbles inside him, he thinks he’s like Dean, always mad, always burning. 

They think he’s a monster, too powerful and they’re afraid of him. But he’s never meant to hurt anyone, they’ve only hurt him. 

And suddenly, Sam and Dean are nothing more than those men in the doorway, new and threatening. 

Jack’s heat explodes, gold ripples from him, more powerful than anything he’s done. The heat courses through him, travelling through his blood and setting his bones alight. 

The box is torn apart - the room shaking under the sheer force of his power. An alarm goes off - so loud it hurts but pain has always been familiar - and Jack stands in the swirling dust. 

He sees Sam, Dean, and Castiel in the threshold. They’re afraid of him -  _ good _ . His eyes burn a haunting red, Lucifer’s red, but soulless and betrayed, Jack doesn’t care. 

-

Jack sees Dean enter the cemetery. Castiel stands to defend him, ready to go against a man he’d known for years, all for Jack. 

Dean has a gun, it shines in the sunlight, and Jack’s thrown back to their first meeting. It seems fitting that his death will resemble his birth. 

Jack knows that Castiel will fight, and he can’t have that, no one will get hurt because of him. It takes less effort than it should to throw Cas to the side. 

_ I understand _ . Jack kneels before Dean, the gun pointed for a clean headshot. It’ll kill him, they finally found something that will. Jack had accepted that Dean would be the one to kill him, all that time ago when Dean promised he would. 

Jack is strangely okay with it. He’s soulless and dangerous, and after all the hurt he’s caused, he deserves this. 

Dean doesn’t shoot. 

Sam is here now, and God - God is here for Jack. For a moment, he thinks God will help him, he’ll give his soul back and everything can go back to the way it was. 

Only, God wants Dean to shoot Jack, he wants Jack to die. He orchestrated this for his own entertainment. 

Jack doesn’t have time to react, God places a hand on his head and there’s a searing, mind numbing pain. 

Jack screams. 


End file.
